I woke up this morning with a real sense of being creative. I wanted to do something personal and something productive that I would feel proud of at the end, something that made me feel like I had accomplished something with my day. Half an hour later and I’m sending a Snapchat of myself lip syncing for my life to Katy Perry. That was never my intention at all.
I tend to do this a lot. I will start on one path, usually quite a good path, with every intention of following it up. I then unwittingly end up on a totally different path – and it’s a path which is pointless with no meaning and no purpose. Then I get sad, realise I’ve wasted my time and rinse/wash/repeat the cycle all over again. I guess that’s the downside to being a dreamer, I wade off into my own little world and when I’ve landed it’s in a complete different spot to before.
Anyway, I’ve done it again. I found that music wasn’t helping. I love music, it makes me happy/sad/funny/weird. I use music to portray my emotions, because I’m so good at keeping them bottled up in myself anyway. Music lets me get my emotions out, even if it’s just for 3 and a-half minutes or whatever. The music was distracting me, distracting me from my own thoughts.
I turned it off and just stared at the wall. Prepared for my thoughts, emotions, feelings, worries, panics, my anything’s to come at me. For some reason I started to think about identity. Identity is something which is really interesting to me; it defines who we are not only to ourselves but to everyone else around us. People decide whether they like us based on our identity, it is a very important aspect to life. It is life, essentially.
I really want to do a creative piece around identity sometime; I’m working on it… But I’m too busy getting lost in my own little dream world to get it fully realised as of yet. I started writing down words, words which defined identity to me. I came up with things like how identity was the creation of us, it was our self-worth, it was our individuality, our originality. Our identity was all about our mind, soul, spirit, body and heart. We are our identity. We can craft it as much as we can, but we can never really properly change it. We are our identity. Our identity is what makes us who we are. Some have found it; some are yet to find it. I like to think I’m yet to find or craft my identity; otherwise I am well and truly screwed. This is a bit of a crappy identity to have.
Our identity is our space and position in the world; it’s our habits and our personality and everything else that helps to make us unique. It’s also everything we want to be, we portray ourselves as best we can to how we feel best represents us. Maybe it’s not always completely 100% true. But there are always true aspects to our identity. You can’t change your identity, merely craft it.
I turned off my music for 10 minutes and was able to come up with all this inner-thought rambling nonsense. Maybe I should do that a bit more often. Turn off the music and let it all come out. Realise my identity. Realise my thoughts. Then maybe I can finally work on that project I’ve always wanted to.
I also need to sort this website out. Realise it’s own identity, give it purpose. Maybe stop rambling as much.